Hey there

At this time last year I was sitting alone in my dorm room, not studying for my last final, and wondering whether or not I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. I was pretty confused, extremely depressed, and not very certain about what I wanted or even who I was. All I could do was trust my instincts.

Thanks, instincts. You led me into the arms of the most wonderful man in the world- my best friend and my future husband. You also led me to the most innovative and unbelievably amazing school on the planet. And somehow you also helped me realize it was finally time to lose weight (and keep it off) and start making healthier choices.

Then                                                                              Now
220 lbs                                                                         160 lbs
Single/involved with a guy who was not              In a serious, loving relationship (soon-to-be
good for me                                                                 engaged, actually) with my soulmate
At a school I knew was all wrong for me               Still pinching myself because sometimes I cannot
                                                                                      believe COA is real
Couldn't run 30 seconds without gasping            Have completed four 5Ks, one 10K, and am
for breath                                                                     currently training for a half-marathon
Was afraid to dance, alone or in public                 Planning on becoming a Zumba instructor. Danced
                                                                                      in a shopping mall in front of hundreds of people.

It's really interesting to think about which decisions spurred which outcomes. If I didn't take the job at Mind Body Sole, I wouldn't have started running or doing Zumba. If I hadn't left UGA, I wouldn't have been looking for a job during my semester off. If I hadn't gone to UGA, I wouldn't have had a semester off because I would have been in school. Also, if I hadn't gone to UGA, I would never have met the friend who convinced me to make an account on OkCupid. If I hadn't made that account, I wouldn't have met my boyfriend. And if I hadn't met my boyfriend...well, I guess I wouldn't know exactly what I was missing, but I wouldn't have found the most perfect person for me.

All of this thinking/connecting the dots is exhausting(!!!) Basically even though I ended up leaving UGA, it was a huge part of my life, and important for so many different reasons. I learned so much about myself while I was there...and I've become a much stronger, more assertive, and more confident person as a result.

Enough reminiscing. I'm really tired. Got up at 7:00ish, ran 2 miles, worked 9:30-5:30, ate dinner, caught up with things online, edited my boyfriend's paper, and now thinking about all of the things I should be doing...

Whatever. Going to wrap the last of the Christmas presents and just relax until bedtime :)

I've gotten back on track with my diet...hoping it will stay that way (relatively, I'm totally allowing indulgences! Two parties this weekend [yikes] and then Christmas next weekend!)

Breakfast: one vegan waffle w/ 1 tbsp Better 'N' Peanut Butter [AMAZING], Morningstar Farm veggie sausage patty, strawberry soy yogurt

Lunch: baby carrots w/ roasted red pepper hummus, garlic Melba toast snacks, banana, salad [spring mix, cucumber, celery, tomato, pumpkin seeds] w/ homemade Italian dressing

Snack: rice crackers

Dinner: Morningstar Farm Grillers Original veggie burger on a light wheat bun w/ BBQ sauce and relish, roasted sweet potatoes and onions, steamed brussel sprouts

Snack/dessert: unsweetened candy cane tea and...a CANDY CANE (duh)

Intake: 1613 cal
Outtake: 222 cal [2 mi run]
Net: 1391 cal

I mean a little higher than I used to want, but it's all good. I didn't binge, I ate healthfully, and I feel completely satisfied. That's all I can ask of myself.
                                                                             

Reminiscing already

I just sneezed and my eye started twitching. I'm starting to care less about being organized- that might just be a week 10 thing, or it might demarcate an actual change in my being. Not sure right now, don't care right now. I am going HOME in four days. I'm excited for a lot of reasons but I also know I'm going to be homesick for school? Schoolsick for school? Haha.

Because I doubt I'll have time during this last jam-packed week of fall term I'm going to list the highlights of the past few months now.

• That night we played all of those 'games' before we left for our OOPs trips...in reality everyone just ran around screaming and crashing into each other, and I was so fucking happy. 
• OOPs Baxter State Park extravaganza. Climbed the highest mountain in Maine; ate wicked good food; slept in a tent with four wonderful people; didn't shower for a week; slid down a natural water slide over a dozen times and bruised my butt; stargazed; CHOW CIRCLES; made the best memories EVER (ghost avocado).
• ^ "Step into the flow and then I let it go, I open my mind, my heart, and my soul. I surrender...I surrender...I surrender...I open my mind, my heart, and my soul." --> singing this at the top of Katahdin
• Playing Zombies in the dark...and almost winning (!!)
• That random improvisational jazz circle before said game of Zombies
• When we watched that movie about racism during orientation and had an amazing discussion afterward
• First (and only) contra dance of the term- an experience to be sure.
• Cooking dinner for 15 people
• How the song "Welcome Home, Son" seems to describe perfectly how it feels being here
• Listening to the wind chimes every morning and being reminded of the beginning of that^ song...seriously, it's amazing
• When we lost power during Hurricane Irene and I thought a tree was going to crash through my window
• All of the wonderful, hilarious conversations I've had with my roommate- and on that note, actually having a GOOD roommate, someone who is sweet and considerate and so much fun, so smart, such a wonderful person
• Meeting people from so many different states and countries
• All of the "warm-up" activities we started doing in CSCS..stretching circles, interpretive dance, African drumming
• Baking vegan coconut lime banana bread
• All of the company outings, where we ate all teh foods
• The many dinners/potlucks on Saturday evenings throughout the term
• JPH. Popovers. 'Nuff said about that. ALSO my 50% discount there..
• Seeing deer all the time, and almost crashing into one while walking on campus
• People sleeping outside in hammocks. Even right now. It's November.
• Hiking the Jordan Cliffs by myself...and feeling invincible
• When we dyed our hair and someone's hair turned green and then we tried to use Crystal Light to get it out
• Potluck at the blue house; word games; homemade beer; so much SALAD
• Performing at the open mic...one of the scariest and most liberating things I've done in a while
• As much trouble as it gave me, my service-learning project was an amazing experience
• The fact that I am actually starting to LIKE TOFU
• Finding the ultimate smoothie combination at the cafe (blueberry+raspberry+apple cider)
• Watching the sunset from the pier
• Reminding myself every day that yes, I live here, yes, this is my life, yes, it is fucking amazing
• Ladies Night at Geddys...aka Shirley Temples all around
• Cinnamon buns..the time they worked and the time they didn't
• The various incarnations of our 'M' jokes
• Salad bar snob
• Penis head
• Morning glory
• Hair similarities
• Borderline stalking
• The time aforementioned individual chased someone around the room
• The time aforementioned individual was doing a juice fast and acted like he was on speed
• Finally being introduced to Bollywood films and Indian cinema...which I love
• The time we had a class brunch meeting during a storm and no one showed up
• The time aforementioned individual told me my paper was publishable. UM
• Getting to write about Derrick Jensen for one of my final papers
• COMPOSTING
• Finally getting introduced to critical theory/cultural studies
• CULTURE JAMMIN'
• FINALLY UNDERSTANDING LACAN
• Learning how to make kale chips
• Becoming better at reusing things instead of just recycling them
• Discovering Serendipity and the Goodwill...no need to buy new clothes ever again
• Seeing Bubble Rock!!
• Finally figuring out why the fuck Eyes Wide shut used to freak me out
• Hearing the people in my house make beautiful music very frequently
• Living amongst so many open-minded and wonderful people
• Convocation! Cook out! Bar Island Swim!
• Getting that awesome wool hat for 8 bucks
• Actually being pushed really hard by a professor...being challenged and forced to produce work that is the very best of my abilities
• Scoring a job on-campus. Woot.
• The time they put rosewater in the cake..
• Prank phone calls
• "I do Zumba while I drive" "WHAT THE HELL"
• Davis's lecture, and how it changed my life, sort of...and inspired a new tattoo idea
• Pedagogy of the Oppressed
• Getting Jenna's zine in the mail
• Trying to become a less judgmental person and succeeding in a lot of respects
• When we fucked up the pumpkin pie and just ate it ALL
• Halloween decorations
• Putting an end to my caffeine dependency!
• Having really meaningful conversations EVERY DAY
• Making collages for the first time in years
• Becoming more conscious of my own actions in relation to the environment/being "green"
• Everything I did with my boyfriend when we got to see each other including
• Apple picking
• Cooking and baking
• Making him eat vegetables!
• Watching Big Bang Theory
• Dressing up fancy and going out for dinner
• Editing papers
• Having "intellectual" conversations
• Singing songs and slow-dancing around my room
• Squishing ourselves into my tiny bed
• Our numerous (infinite) Skype calls
• Buying sweaters together
• Guitar lessons
• Seeing his favorite local band play
• Perhaps most importantly-- deciding that WE'RE GETTING ENGAGED IN DECEMBER
• HE brunch meeting. wicked good.
• That night my friend and I had shitty days (forced to stay in class for 3 hours, angry at the world, etc.) and ate so much Chinese food we almost threw up
• ACTUALLY GETTING SLEEP. Is this college?
• Running/walking on the Shore Path...at sunrise. heaven.
• Actually getting to see the sun rise and set all of the time
• When they have granola without nuts at breakfast
• Discovering I am no longer allergic to soy milk!
• The morning I volunteered at the farm- honestly, it was worth the soreness in my legs that didn't go away for over a WEEK (i think)
• Silly webcam photos
• Puppet show the day before classes started
• Midsummer Night's Dream
• Learning so many new things and developing so many new interests

You'll laugh, but this is by no means an exhaustive list.
And now I'm going to bed. And doing it all over again in the morning. And for the next four years...this is my life, and it is as close to perfect as a life could be.

10,000 days

Old friend, trying to hunt me down again
Old friend, this is your exit, you're no, no, no friend

Yes you are

I've written about you a few times in the past year. I thought I'd gotten everything out but I realize now I never will because none of my questions will ever be answered.

I don't know who would be typing this right now if we'd never met. You set so many things in motion and I'm sure you have no idea. I keep digging through all of the transcripts of our conversations I saved, but there is only one that I want to read, and it's lost in cyberspace forever. I wonder if you ever think about that night, if you ever think about me at all anymore. I'm not certain we would have become anything more than what we were, but I miss having you as my best friend. Sometimes.

You were the only person who actually understood me for a long, long time. The only person I opened up to about, well, everything. And you betrayed me, but not in the usual way, of course not- that was never your style. You always had to be different, even in your less-than-shining hours.

I know now that it was about you, never about me. You weren't trying to protect me from you- you were trying to protect yourself from your feelings for me. I won't pretend I've never wondered about how events would have unfolded if you would've just let them unfold...but I don't wonder anymore. It doesn't matter. This was only three years ago but it feels like two decades ago.

You feel so far away from me but sometimes I think I still remember what your voice sounds like. I remember one of the first times I heard it; I was at an amusement park and you called me and I stepped away from my friends to talk to you. 

And everything we felt for one another built and built and everything we wanted to say was left unsaid for almost a year. And then it all came spilling out, messily and unplanned, in one night. You couldn't handle it- in some ways I couldn't handle it either. You were adjusting to college. You were meeting other girls. And I had a boyfriend-- a boyfriend who was hundreds of miles away, but a boyfriend nonetheless.

I still have all of the books you sent me. For a while, I wanted to sell them and buy new copies- copies you hadn't paid for, copies that came from some large impersonal bookstore...not in a package with your return address on it. Then I decided to keep the copies you bought for me- it seems only appropriate. I would have never read those books if you hadn't given them to me.

I feel indebted to you in so many ways, and I wish I didn't. But mostly I just miss being able to talk to someone about all of the things we used to talk about without feeling judged. I watched a documentary about Ted Kaczynski the other day at the gym and all of those conversations we had- and well, in true "us" spirit I won't say much more on the Internet. I'm sure if you think long and hard enough, you'll remember.

That's just the problem- I can't stop remembering, sometimes. I wish I could because it would be easier but deep down I know I'll keep hanging onto the part of you that brought out the best in me, so long ago (but not really that long ago at all).

I would say I hope you're happy but that's not really it. I hope you haven't sacrificed your principles, your beliefs, yourself...for less than worthy causes. I'm somehow certain you have, though. Certain you've been sucked into the shiny, pretty world of academia. Certain that you're hiding between stacks of philosophy books and clever but vacuous conversations about nothing tangible. Certain you've divorced yourself from the world you once wanted to save.

That's what I can't forgive, old friend. I can forgive all of the things you said, what you did that night and never fully explained to me. I can forgive; I can forget. But I can't forgive your hypocrisy for some reason- mostly because it terrifies me. 

All the more reason why I have to remind myself every day I cannot turn my back on the truth, as hard as it is to open my eyes to such bright light over and over again when I wake up in the morning. I'm stronger than you are, and maybe- maybe we both know that. 

But enough about the collective Judas,
Who could deny you were the one who illuminated
Your little piece of the divine
This little light of mine
A gift you passed unto me
I'm gonna let it shine to guide you
Safely on your way
Your way home

And the last stanza of a poem I wrote you so long ago, that you will never read:

Goodbye, goodbye
But you're always here
You're only all I see
Barely it's true, but you exist
(Somewhere else)
This quiet evaporation is...complete
Love is all that remains
As the screen goes
Black